Shallow Soil

I was working on a post that tells about the struggles I had with my faith last year, but I just could not get it right. I didn't want it to be too long or say too much, but I wanted it to say enough.

I wanted to share what I learned, looking back, about the way our modern, seeker-friendly churches give people a shallow faith that cannot stand up to trials and tests.

I wanted to share how God used other Christians, some of whom I don't even know IRL, to bring be back to Him.

I will share it because it is a good story that needs telling, but today I was hit in the face with another example of the problem I had, only this person did not come back, or at least not yet, and a good friend of mine, an inspirational sister in Christ, was hurt in the process.

Some time after I cane to Christ, some ladies in my neighborhood were having a study group for the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge, and they invited me.

There was a woman there who was not a Christian, I'll call her Deena. She was going through a divorce. Her husband had been unfaithful. She was a wreck. I felt compassion for her, but I did not like being around her.

After she accepted Jesus, she was a totally new person. I love being around her now. She is so uplifting. She glows with her love for the Lord.

The most amazing thing about her is that she struggles with illnesses and pain. She has greater struggles than most people I know. But through everything her faith is strong and she is an inspiration to everyone around her.

After seeing this great change, her soon-to-be ex-husband, I'll call him Stan, wanted to give his life to Jesus. He changed, too, and they recommitted to one another.

I just found out that the seeds sown in him were not so deep; they did not take root in him as they had in her.

Deena found out a couple of months ago that Stan has been having an affair.

Amazingly, through it all, she is closer to the Lord than ever.

But as much as her faith is a testament to the power of having Jesus in your heart, Stan's unwillingness to repent of his sinful lifestyle is a testament to the sad reality that many people who accept Jesus will fall away.

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear." - Matt. 13

I don't know which analogy explains what happened with Stan. Did he not understand the message of the Kingdom? Did it not take root? Did the worries of this world choke it out?

I had a crisis with my faith this past year. For me, I was the man in verses 20-21.

The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away.

Fortunately, I did not do anything as stupid and irreparable as what Stan did. Thankfully, God pulled me back and provided me with the means to gain a deeper understanding.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Be My Escape by Relient K

I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate

And this one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I've been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I'm going

Because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you
I'm begging you
I'm begging you to be my escape

I've given up on doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
You've told me the way, and I'm trying to get there

And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit, that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Because
I've been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me

And even though there's no way of knowing
Where I'm going
I promise I'm going because..

I got to get out of here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake again
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you
I'm begging you
I'm begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can't ask you to give what you already gave

Because I've been housing all this doubt
And insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going

Because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you
I'm begging you
I'm begging you to be my escape

I fought you
For so long
I should have let you win
Oh, how we regret those things we do

And all I
Was trying
To do was save my own skin
Oh, but so were you
So were you

That Big, Old Dog

I started watching the new series on ABC, "Samantha Who?" I really like it a lot, which is saying something because there is very little on TV that I like at all these days.

It's about a woman who has amnesia and cannot remember anything of her former life. As she meets people and starts to piece together who she is (or was), she realizes that she does not like that person. The show chronicles Sam as she tries to find out who she wants to be, while realizing that she is stuck with the fallout of the actions of her former self.

For example, she discovers that she works for a firm that aggressively acquires real estate through less than honorable means. She decides that she wants to quit, until she finds out that old Sam left her with $30,000 in credit card debt.

If you want to check it out, ABC offers full episodes online, which is an awesome feature.

Anyway, at the end of this week's show, Sam offered the following closing monologue.

I had this dream and I woke up clean and white as snow, my debts forgiven, and my sins all washed away.

That sounds awesome!

But, it's a bunch of crap.

I mean, yesterday can't be un-lived. It's part of today. You drag it along like a big, old dog.

I heard this and my heart just sank. I mean, I know that our sins can be washed away, yet I also know that the truth is, we do carry around the past like a big, old dog. And man, I hate dogs, especially big ones.

I felt so conflicted, so disappointed, so lost. It brought up some feelings that I didn't even know I was having about God and about my life.

When I came to Christ, I was already living a pretty good life. Bob and I were happily married and had a beautiful son. I was involved in local politics and writing a column for our local paper. I was happy, but deep down I carried with me the burden of childhood hurts and the pain brought on by the immoral lifestyle I had once lived. Way down in the places where I would never let myself go, I was very broken.

I brought these hurts to the cross and I had the pain lifted and healed in a way that I never knew possible. I was free. I was whole for the first time in my life.

As time passed, though, I began to feel beaten down by the reality that, while my guilt and shame could be washed away, the consequences of my actions would always be with me, for me to drag around like a big, old dog. I will never be free from that.

I started to feel like I had been sold a bill of goods. I started to think that maybe it is all just a bunch of crap. What good is forgiveness when I still have to deal with the fallout of the actions of my former self?

Samantha ended her monologue on a more positive note.

Today is all we can control. We do today right, we may even have a shot at tomorrow.

And this is where grace comes in. It's not about erasing our past; it's about carrying us through today.

We can't control today. We can't do it right, either. Oh, we can try and we can do the best we can, but it will never be good enough. We will always make mistakes. We will always have regrets.

What we can do is walk with Jesus by our side. What we can do is accept that He has forgiven our sins and restored our relationship with Him.

We might not be able to do today right on our own, but we can do today right with the power that comes with knowing the One who created us.

There is really no getting around the fact that there are problems in our lives that we cannot leave behind no matter how much we want to. But dragging around a big, old dog doesn't seem like quite as much work when you have someone with infinite strength helping you pull it along.

In Him All Things Hold Together

I have been meaning to do a post about the name of this blog. It's on my list with the hundred other posts I want to do when I get a chance to.

While I work on getting a moment to blog something meaningful, Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer has a great post up today about that verse.

Thoughts on Halloween

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about what to do for Halloween this year.

Now, I am not the legalistic type and I do not think that every Christian needs to make the same decision that we made, but I wanted to share with you my thoughts on this subject, as they pertain to our family.

(Read full post)

Bob and I came to Christ around three years ago. Before that time, my children were not raised Christian. Little E does not remember a time that we were not followers of Christ, but the older children do. As such, they have celebrated Halloween every year, except last year.

Last year, we had a little party with some Christian neighbors of ours who do not celebrate Halloween and we stayed home from trick-or-treating, though we handed out candy.

We would be happy to do that again this year, but they moved.

I have spent some time reading articles for and against Christians celebrating Halloween and have come to the conclusion that it is a topic about which there is a lot of disagreement.

There is a lot to be said for the point of view that Halloween is harmless in its present-day form, as practiced by most people, and as would be by us.

In the "for" article linked above, the author makes the case that Christians should not hide from the day, but instead take it as an opportunity to laugh at the Evil One, whom we all know is also a proud one.

Halloween as a day to mock Satan? An interesting perspective, indeed.

I would perhaps be more open to this if the author had not characterized his opposition as those who "shun make-believe."

That's news to me. If Halloween is just a day for kids to dress up and enjoy their imaginations, I guess everyday is Halloween in our house. I can't think of a single day in the past several months that Little E did not have a costume on.

I don't think we will be mocking Satan this year. See, we have just come out of a many-months' long period of intense spiritual attack.

I know that I am opening myself up to ridicule by sharing this, but spiritual attack is not something to laugh at and Satan is not a foe to be taken in good humor.

Every one in our home felt this evil working to hold this family back from doing God's work.

I don't know if you have any idea how spiritual attack occurs, or how to deal with it, but I have been immersed in studying it for the past month, trying to claim my freedom as a child of God.

Coming through this dark period in our lives and seeing the light on the other side, I see no reason to glorify all that is evil, even with the intent of making a mockery of the Evil One.

This year, we will spend the week leading up to Halloween in intercessory prayer on behalf of those who are to take part in Halloween festivities, especially anyone dabbling in the occult. Then on Halloween night, we are going to shut out the lights, as to not attract the trick-or-treaters dressed in scary costumes (because I don't want to taunt the boys with what they are *missing*), and pop in a family movie.

And share a bag of candy, of course.



If you are interested in learning more about spiritual warfare, I highly recommend the following series of podcasts from Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.

Spiritual Warfare 101 - parts 1 and 2
(part 2 is incorrectly labeled as part 1, but it is part 2)

Spiritual Warfare 201 - parts 1 and 2

Spiritual Warfare 301 - parts 1 and 2

Spiritual Warfare 401 - parts 1 and 2

Wives and Husbands

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

One of the things that non-Christians (or at least, non-Bible-believing Christians) have a hard time understanding is the roles of husbands and wives.

Once I was asked if I really believed that a wife should submit to her husband.

It's as if one can accept that I believe in creation, or that I believe in the resurrection, or that I believe in tithing, but it is unfathomable that I could believe that my husband is the head of our home and that I should submit to his authority.

I don't really see what the big deal is. My husband is not a louse. If he was a drunkard, or an adulterer, or abusive, then I would understand their shock and disbelief, but everyone knows that my husband is a nice guy, so why is this so hard to accept?

Then on Sunday, I had one of those "a-ha" moments.

We were in the car leaving church and Bob asked me how my knee was doing. I thought it rather odd since my knee hadn't bothered me in days, so I said, "It hurts; how did you know that?"

That day, we were late for church so, we had to split up. I, along with Little E and the D, sat in front of Bob and Big E.

When we stood up to pray at the end of the service, he noticed that I was favoring my good leg.

To understand how amazing that was, I have to tell you that my husband is not very observant. I do not mean that as an insult, it is just not one of his strengths.

Despite that, he cares enough about me to take notice of how I am doing.

This is why it is so hard for people who are not trying to live a Biblical life to understand how I can give up my autonomy and submit to my husband (or why I would want to).

See, not only are wives commanded to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love thier wives "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." *

Christ died for his church!

Wives may be called to submit to their husbands, but the husbands have a pretty heavy responsibility, too, here.

Neither my husband nor I am perfect in living up to our Biblical roles in our marriage, but we strive for the selflessness that really sets apart Christian living from worldly living.

I don't say that in a boastful way, or a way to put others down, just as an explanation for why it is so hard for others to understand how a woman can submit to her husband, and why it is not oppressive or otherwise hurtful to her.

A good Christian husband does not take his position of authority and exploit it to his wife's detriment. Instead, he cherishes her. He cares for her. He notices when she favors one leg as she stands because the knee on the other leg hurts.

Kutless, How I Love Thee

When I went to the grocery store today, this song came on when I turned on the CD player. I almost forgot how much Kutless can rock.



For those who prefer something a little mellower, Kutless has a song for that, too.

I know that I have posted this video before, but I really love the talk Jon Micah gives at the beginning about God's love and grace.



The songs "Let You In" and "Sea of Faces" are both from the album Sea Of Faces.

Kutless also has a great worship album called, "Strong Tower." Even if you are not into the rocking style of their other albums, this is a beautiful worship album, with a contemporary sound.

They have a few other albums, too, but these are the two that I personally own and love. I am sure that the others are great, too, though.

Seek Him First

I have not done a "Faith Things" post in a month!

I have so much to say about how God has been working in my life lately, but I don't know where to start and I don't have time to share it all at once. So, every time I come online to write a post, I end up not doing it.

It seems like if I just started doing it each time, I would be done posting all of it by now!

I'll just start with yesterday and work backward, I guess.

I have a song in my head from the Summer Kids Week at our church (aka VBS). We just got the CD of music that they used.

It's an R&B style song, sang by a trio of women. The chorus says:

Don't worry 'bout a thing,
not a single thing
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
and what it may bring
Don't worry 'bout a thing,
not a single thing

The song is based on Matthew 6:25-34 and makes references to various things in that passage of scripture.

The one part that is stuck in my head says:

Seek Him first
And what you need will
come to you

Ahh, seek Him first
(ev'rything ya need)

It's very catchy.

So, I've had this song in my head a lot the past two days. And then yesterday morning, I decided that I was just going to seek Him first.

To backtrack for a moment, I will fill the rest in later (in another post), but I just have to point out that I have been really struggling - we all have been struggling - to get a long with The D. He is going through a major rough time. I intend to do a full post on it soon, but trust me when I say it has been HARD!

So, back to yesterday morning. I decided to seek Him first.

I picked up a Bible and just started reading to the kids. I started at the beginning. They quickly informed me that they have read the beginning a thousand times. (Haven't we all? It seems like a good place to start.)

So, I asked, then what did God make on the first day?

They went through and told me what God made each day. Wow! They did not learn that from me or at church. They learned that themselves, by reading the Bible on their own! I was amazed at the way that God really puts it on their heart to seek Him.

After that, we started talking about the spiritual realm. I wanted them to realize that it existed before the Earth was created and will exist after it is gone.

Gone! That was cause for alarm!

So, I ended up looking at Revelation in order to paraphrase. I ended up reading from Revelation 4 (I skipped the letters to the churches) all the way to the end.

They were completely enthralled, albeit a little taken aback that it was so graphic and, as they said, harsh.

There was a real teaching moment, though, when in Revelation 16, The Seven Bowl's of God's Wrath, the people refused to repent and turn from their sinful ways.

The boys commented that the people were "so stupid" to not turn from sin and worship God.

I explained that there are times when they have disobedience in their hearts so strongly that no matter what punishment I threaten them with (and carry out), they still refuse to admit that I have authority over them (ie do what they were told). This is similar to what was happening with these people.

We also talked about the fact that sometimes when bad things happen, people want to blame God because He didn't stop it, or He let it happen. This attitude turns people away from God, like in this passage, where they curse God for the plagues.

I added that it is important to be faithful and remember that God is good, no matter what happens to us.

This might not strike you that I, a Christian homeschooling parent, had a Bible discussion with my children instead of doing school work. The reality is, I don't normally have Bible discussions with my children. (That is really a whole post by itself.)

Back to "seek Him first." I would like to say that we were so filled with the Holy Spirit that loving kindness ruled my home and the boys did everything they were told.

Not so.

But, the day was markedly better than it has been. The boys did get along much better. I was filled with much more love and patience, and better able to handle the struggles of the day.

Most importantly, I realized that we need to seek Him first. I need to stop trying to do this on my own.

I just wish I didn't have to keep re-learning that lesson!

The God Diet

I just read a really great Bible Girl column, written by guest writer Jared Binder, about the Christian church's acceptance of gluttony, and its resultant obesity.

There’s this thing in the Bible called gluttony. The Bible says it’s a sin. But we don’t like to talk about that particular sin. We prefer to point a pudgy finger at others and decry the evils of drugs and alcohol, pornography, abortion and homosexuality. Compared to those, gluttony is just a little sin.

How timely. I have been having many of these same thoughts myself lately, but was not yet ready to share them.

I have been overweight most of my life and really struggled with it, off and on, since I was in college. It was the summer after my freshman year that it really hit me how fat I had gotten and I started doing something about it.

Thus began what has been a now 13-year-long pattern of dramatic weight gain and loss cycles.

In the first four years that I was married (2002-2006), I gained 46 pounds! I wish I could blame it on the fact that I had my third child, but I actually lost all of the weight I gained during pregnancy before putting on 33 more pounds.

Then, thanks to viewing some really bad pictures of myself, I lost about 20 in the past year.

The change came from making small dietary changes - re-learning how to eat, with healthy foods and smaller portions.

That only took me so far, though, before I hit a roadblock. Since then, I have been trying to figure out why.

Upon careful examination of my eating habits, I realized that when I am stressed out, I tend to go into the kitchen and grab something to eat. Even though most of my food choices are healthy, one can still overeat on healthy foods - and gain weight.

Then one day recently, it dawned on me that I go to God with other temptations that I struggle with, so why not this?

Last November, I attended a Living Free in Christ conference with Dr. Neil Anderson. It was absolutely the most amazing experience. I was able to find freedom from another sin that I have struggled with almost my entire life. Satan had a stronghold over my life that was influencing my thoughts to the point that it was almost torture and I learned how to find freedom in Christ and have remained free ever since. (Which requires diligent control over my thought life, I must add, and prayer. It is not a quick, one-time fix.)

Until I read this Bible Girl column, I could not figure out why it took me so long to realize that I could also find freedom in Christ from the sin of gluttony and, most importantly, that I would not be able to break free from that stronghold without His help, especially since it is such a lifelong habit.

The reason is that the Christian community turns a blind eye to this sin.

We, as Christians, are quick to identify when one is turning to other comforts instead of to God. Drugs, alcohol, sex, materialism, work, busyness, and other distractions and coping mechanisms that we substitute for God are all the subjects of countless sermons and books, but not gluttony.

Yet it is just as dangerous to our health, both physically and spiritually. It serves as a wedge between us and God; something that keeps us from fully depending on Him and Him alone in our times of need.

I'm glad to see this issue brought up. I think more people would find comfort in knowing that they can take this struggle to the cross and break free from the hold that food has over them.

About Our Trip (and a faith lesson for me)

Our anniversary trip was great. I have some pictures, but I don't feel like uploading them right now.

The Green River Bridge House was beautiful. I forgot how much I love being that far out in the country. It is way out on a dirt road out in the middle of Nowhere, VT. (Guilford, actually.)

We got there Friday afternoon. After we put our stuff in our room and had tea, we set out to explore the region because we have been really wanting to move to Southern Vermont, or perhaps New Hampshire.

First, we went to Brattleboro and ran into the only person I know in Brattleboro, Christian "Brattlerouser" Avard. How funny!

It started pouring rain, so we got in the car and drove through a bunch of really small towns, ended up crossing the bridge from Bellows Falls, VT to Walpole, NH. Once we saw all there was to see there, we realized that we were starving. Since we had no idea where to eat, we headed for the known - Keene, NH.

We ended up eating downtown at Margarita's, which is, as you might have guessed, a Mexican place.

The salsa was too hot; my quesadilla was too bland. And it had way too much cheese, which, coming from me, means really, way too much cheese.

I'd love to redeem the place by saying my margarita rocked, but since I was fighting off a cold, I didn't have one.

It only took about a half hour to get back to the B&B from Keene. On the way, we saw a really awesome lightning storm.

I'm not going to bore you with any more blow-by-blow. Basically, we hung out all day Saturday, except for a quick drive up to Springfield, VT for lunch.

We brought sandwiches back to have for dinner and ended up going to bed early that night to get a good night's sleep.

Until someone's car alarm went off! Ugh!

Anyway, we had the right mix of getting out and staying in to relax. It was very refreshing.

For the last several months, I have been looking forward to checking out the area during this trip.

We have been wanting to move, but have been having a hard time figuring out where. I thought this trip would bring some decisiveness to the situation.

No such luck.

After all of that driving around, Bob now wants to stay here in the Burlington area.

At first, I was pretty annoyed. I feel like my life has been on hold until we got around to checking out the southern part of the state (and NH). Now, we aren't even moving there.

I spent a lot of time praying about this, though, and I am feeling good about Bob's decision.

One of the things that I struggle with is having to make major decisions with another adult. One who, in many ways, has more of a say than I do because where we live is dependent on him finding a job there.

I mean, I can't just up and decide to move to Keene, though I would love to. We kind of have to have a way to live once we get there.

I was on my way home from Bible study tonight and I had been praying about the situation. As has been the case for what seems like forever, I really didn't get an answer to this problem.

Then all of the sudden, I had peace about it. Not just about staying here, but also about letting Bob lead us, when it is my impulse to control everything.

Maybe the reason God has been silent to me on this issue is because I needed to let Him lead Bob instead, and I, in turn, needed to let my husband lead.

That is something that is a difficult, yet humbling, thing to do for a modern woman, who is used to being in control.

Okay, so this started out as a what-we-did-on-our-vacation post and ended up being a faith post, but I guess that's okay.

I'll post some pictures tomorrow.

Eternal Perspective

Last night, I started going to a six-week, women's Bible study at my church.

We were talking about Luke 7:36-50. (You can read the text of that passage here - no scrolling to find it, thanks to the awesome site Bible Gateway.)

We were talking about how much courage it took for this "sinful woman" to walk into a Pharisee's home to see Jesus, and what a monetary sacrifice it was for her to pour out her perfume on his feet.

One of the questions was "Why do you think the woman went to Jesus?"

Most people talked about her wanting forgiveness, but I don't think that woman had any preconceived idea that Jesus would forgive her.

I think she went there, at the risk of, at best, being shunned and ridiculed, but at worst, being stoned to death, because she realized who Jesus was (and is).

Would it surprise anyone to hear the story of something outlandish that someone did in order to meet their favorite celebrity?

We might not be willing to do the same, but such a story would not surprise us because we live in a society where we worship celebrities.

Once, I had a chance to go see my then-favorite political commentator. After his speech, some people were talking to him in the front of the auditorium. I really wanted to talk to him, but I was too afraid of going in front of all those people. Foolish, I know, especially since I have talked in front of crowds many times, but my desire to see him in person was outweighed by my fear of looking stupid to a crowd of people.

Then, there were other times that my desire to meet someone outweighed my fear of looking stupid.

Once we had a speaker at church - my church seats 450 and was packed - who my husband and I wanted to talk to because his sermon really touched our hearts and spoke to an issue we had been struggling with personally.

Again, I had that nervousness in my stomach that I get every time I am about to be in front of a group of people, but this time, it was overshadowed by my desire to speak to this man. (And I'm glad I did because he prayed with us and it was really amazing.)

I draw from these experiences my understanding of why this woman was willing to risk so much to see Jesus and show her love for him - her desire to see him outweighed any fear she had of going into that situation.

The reason I think she had such abandon was that she knew that Jesus was (and is) the Son of God, not that she expected anything in return. That was why her faith was so genuine. And that is why she had her sins forgiven.

The question I ask myself, then, is why don't I have such abandon when it comes to showing my faith? Do I not think Jesus is the Son of God?

Not only do I know who Jesus is, but I have also had much forgiven, at least as much as that woman. So why do I hesitate when I am in a position to show my faith?

Just a note here, when I say "show my faith," I am referring to a situation where it comes up, like if someone asks me a question about my life and the answer involves God. I do not now, nor will I ever, Bible thump. I don't think it is the best way for me to share my faith.

The answer comes down to perspective. I still hold on to a worldly perspective that what people think about me is more important than what God thinks about me; or worse, that what people think about me is more important than doing what God has called me to do, at least to some extent.

It is not until I can completely hold an eternal perspective - a perspective that the only thing that matters is that which has eternal consequences: building His Kingdom - that showing my love for Jesus will consistently outweigh my fear of looking stupid in front of people.

This is an area that I have been working on for some time, and I am getting better, but I still pass up opportunities to share my faith out of fear. This is something that is an on going battle, and will continue to be, "for our struggle is not against flesh and blood..." (Eph. 6:12)

I'll close with a couple of lines from the song, "It's Like Me," by my favorite band, Kutless. (Unfortunately, I couldn't find the video to embed.)

Sometimes I still never see
When perfect opportunities come my way
Would my care increase if I truly believed
That a life could be saved

Walking by Faith

I've had the song, "Walk by Faith," by Jeremy Camp, in my head for the past few days. I've known that song for years, we even have the CD, but I have never really thought about it much.

Then a few days ago, the lyrics really hit home:

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me

We have been going through a really difficult time lately in our family. I am not really at the point that I want to get into the specifics of it, but it has really turned our lives upside down.

I think the worst part about it was that our thinking about the situation was really negative, too. In different ways, we were both, Bob and I, just wishing that we didn't have to go through this and kind of feeling like we shouldn't have to.

Then I was listening to this song the other day and it really hit me that this struggle we are facing is doing a lot to prepare us for doing God's work.

I have been asking God to use us to build His kingdom and I am really beginning to see the ways in which He is preparing us for that mission.

It's so arrogant to think that we shouldn't have to go through this. After everything that Jesus did for us, is there any sacrifice too great for us to make on behalf of His kingdom?

I was reading about when Jeremy Camp wrote that song. It was during his honeymoon to his first wife, who died just months later of ovarian cancer.

She reportedly said to him that if she ended up dying from her disease, as long as her death led one person to Christ, it would all be worth it.

Through Jeremy's music and testimony of faith, I can only imagine how many people her death has led to Christ, not to mention the countless people who have had their faith in Christ strengthened.

It is heart-wrenching to imagine how painful it must have been for him to become a widower at the age of 23, but his testimony reminds me that our lives here on earth are not about us, they are really about building God's kingdom.

It's easy to lose sight of that in the midst of all the struggles and pain that we have been enduring.

No matter what challenges I face, if I can lead just one person to Christ through my life, it will all be worth it.

Here is the video of "Walk by Faith" from YouTube.

Kutless

The band Kutless is fast becoming my favorite Christian rock group. The thing I like most about the band is how they can really rock out, but then also sing some beautiful worship music.

The first Kutless album that I bought was Strong Tower, which is a worship album. After listening to that, I was surprised to hear songs from their other albums that have more of an edge, such as this one and this one. Both are You Tube videos from Kutless' Live from Portland (Oregon, not Maine - although, I am sure I am the only one who thought that) DVD.

It amazes me to see these guys, who look like a typical young rock band that you might hear on any mainstream, alternative rock-type radio station, but have a passionate heart for Jesus that is reflected in their music.

I was always under the impression growing up (in a non-Christian home) that people who had that level of devotion to God were the "Church Lady" type. Having no other frame of reference, I believed in the caricature of Christians that is put forth by our pop culture media.

When I see bands like Kutless, and the countess others in the Christian rock genre, as well as mainstream artists that are Christian, reaching the youth of today with their message of Jesus' love, it really gives me hope for our future.

I love this clip below, again from Live from Portland. The song is Sea of Faces, a great song, but what I love about it is the first two minutes or so of the clip, when Jon Micah Sumrall, the band's lead singer, talks about God's grace and love.



I want to share one final video. Here Kutless performs Better is One Day, by Matt Redmond. At the end they go into the last verse of We Fall Down, by Chris Tomlin. It's a great video if you like the contemporary worship music. Both of these songs are on the album Strong Tower.

My Homeschooling Season

I was reading the blog PHAT Mommy the other day and she has a post up about how she is less than passionate about homeschooling. It's a really thought-provoking and honest post.

As I read it, I could really relate. I sometimes feel that way, too.

When I do, though, I remember (or more often, my husband reminds me) that this is only a season. A time in my life, not my whole life. If I focus on what I am doing in this season, instead of what I did before or what I want to do after, I am much happier with what I am doing now.

If I focused on what I "gave up" to homeschool, or what I could be doing now if I wasn't homeschooling, I would never get out of bed in the morning.

I have ambitions that span beyond being mother and teacher to my children. (Gasp!)

Right now, I know that this is what is right for me and my family. And I am okay with that, now that I have a right perspective about it.

I don't know how I could feel okay about it, though, if I didn't start to develop a right perspective about God.

I'm not saying that someone who does not believe in God cannot be at peace with their decision to put their ambitions on hold to homeschool their children, but for me, my peace has come with the realization that God has great things in store for my life, but this is where He wants me to be right now.

There is noting better out there waiting for me that my children are holding me back from. And, yes, I have felt that way when things have been tough.

I was just starting to get my freelance writing career going when it was put on my heart to homeschool.

The boys were about to start school and I was not able to sleep because of the stress. I had had some problems with the school when the D was in kindergarten and second grade (we had a great teacher in first) and I did not want to deal with that again. Also, Big E had a really tough time with some badly behaved kids in his class the year before and they both hated going to school.

When I say hated, I mean, they screamed and cried in the morning that they didn't want to go.

I went nights without sleep and finally I prayed to God to give me peace and wisdom, and most of all sleep. He did. He also put it on my heart to homeschool. (To what?!?)

At first, I was totally on board with it. I mean, it was God's idea, so it had to be great, right? The kids thrived the first year, too, so I knew it was a great thing.

This year has not been as good. Personally, I have really struggled in rebellion against God and I sometimes do not want to accept that He has the best plans for me. They are usually not the plans I had.

It hasn't helped that we have had a very big struggle with the D this year either. He is going through a really tough time emotionally regarding his bio-father and his behavior has been challenging to say the least.

Of course, I know that it would only be worse if he was in public school, but that didn't stop me from thinking that I was not cut out to homeschool and from fantasizing about all the great things that I could be doing with my life if I wasn't.

I have been working on trusting God and submitting to His plan for my life, even when - especially when - they run contrary to my own plans. The more I trust God, the more I am passionate about and satisfied with this season of my life.

I can't imagine how I would find peace without Him.

Even my husband's sage wisdom, that this is only a season, comes from the Lord, from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"

This is the time that I need to focus on raising my children and homeschooling them. For the most part, it is enjoyable and rewarding. But when those moments come when it is not so enjoyable and the reward seems elusive, I only need to remember that this is God's plan for me at this time and He has wonderful things in store for me in every season.

I'm Not Alright

This is one of my favorite songs, "I'm Not Alright," by Sanctus Real.



I like this song for two reasons. The first is that the chorus - "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside. And all I go through, leads me to You." - really gets to the heart of why we do need Jesus. It's not, as many a Christian-basher would have you think, that we need to feel superior (read: holier-than-thou) or that we cannot think for ourselves, but because we are all broken inside in some way and to some degree and only Jesus can heal that brokenness.

The second reason has to so with the second verse:

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
only you are there to lead me on
Because honestly, I'm not that strong

I have a tendency to avoid God when things are not going well because I think I can handle it on my own, or I am too proud to ask for help. This verse is very much like what I have had to go through more times than I would like to admit - to have God strip away everything that I am hiding behind, until I am forced to turn to Him. And that is really what I need because, like it or not, I am really not as strong as I would like to think I am. I have never really been able to make things better without leaning on the Lord for my strength.

Technorati tags: Sanctus Real, Christian music

Counting the Cost

When I first became a Christian, I was all about not becoming one of *those* Christians. You know, the ones who are weird, different, almost sheltered in the way that they stay away from pop culture and all things normal.

So, I carried on with one foot in Christ and one foot in the ways of the world because I thought it made me relevant.

Well, it doesn't make me relevant. It makes me a hypocrite. I am now beginning to realize that there are actually two ways that I can be a Christian hypocrite.

There is the way that was obvious to me all along, that I could work so hard at acting holy that I forget that I am still a sinner in need of daily forgiveness, and as a result, look down upon anyone who I think doesn't measure up.

There is also the way that I was not so aware of, and have actually been guilty of, that I could take God's grace so for granted that I forget that, though I am a sinner, I still need to follow Christ. I have come to realize that it is really not enough to be sorry for falling short and ask for forgiveness, I also need to walk the walk, which means often rejecting the ways of the world.

I really can't continue on with one foot in each world and not be a hypocrite. Keeping one foot in the ways of the world requires me to do, see, and think things that are not compatible with what I am told in scripture, what I know is right living, what I profess to follow.

I was listening to the song "Tonight," by Jeremy Camp, one day (video below) and I heard the lines:

Tonight, I will take my cross
Tonight, I will count this cost

I realized that I have never really counted the cost of being a disciple.

Sure, I have given up things, I have made sacrifices, but they were mostly material things that I didn't really care that much about.

When it comes to the big things, the things I care about, like my image, my reputation, my delicate ego, I hadn't counted the cost. I didn't think I needed to. I thought I could carry on with one foot in the world.

But, I do. If I want to live the way I have been called to, to do the things I have been called to do, I need to count the cost because it will cost me.



"Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.'" Luke 14:27-30

Technorati tags: Jeremy Camp, Christianity

Finally, the template is ready

I finally finished the template for the new blog. Whew. That took forever!

It's kind of sad to be moving on from She's Right. That blog has been such a part of my life for so long now. I know that many of my regular readers will not be interested in the new blog's format and I will lose some readers. I also know that I will gain some new readers. Most of all, I know that it is time for me to move on from that project.

New things are always scary. I am starting a new business soon and I have been reading a book on entrepreneurship to get me excited about it.

The book's (non-Christian) author stressed how important it is to have some sense of something out side of ourselves that we can lean on and turn to for strength.

That's what all things hold together is about for me. I know that when my life feels like it is falling apart, in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

And I know that there is really no other way they would.